The Holding Pattern | 07.23.2020

𝙃𝙤𝙡𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜. 𝙋𝙪𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜. 𝙒𝙖𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜.

What a strange time this is. My routine has been so off the last several days. To be honest, it’s completely throwing off my mindset. I’ve had several moments where I’ve realized I haven’t checked in the way I normally do, don’t realize what day it is, or feel overwhelmed with a lack of structure, routines, and rituals...the constant change. It’s overwhelming and confusing.

I’ve been doing Telehealth consistently since March, and I’ve started the process of transitioning back to the clinic setting. But I’m having such a hard time finding my rhythm with this change. When we switched to Telehealth it was pretty clear...COVID was perceived to be everywhere, a constant threat. So that meant that my son was home, the vast majority of my kids wanted Telehealth or to hold services, I was home, Josh was home. Simple.

But this? This space of uncertainty? This space where everyone is burnt out with social distancing. This space where we don’t know what steps to take next because it’s not like COVID disappeared, but it’s not like we can trust many sources for information when information is constantly contradicted. So what is the right answer? Where am I supposed to be? How do I create rhythms, routines, and rituals for improved focus and productivity with this constant change? I have no clue.

It’s hard to give myself grace, because my rhythm in quarantine became my norm! While it was difficult at times, it became comfortable. Life is funny like that isn’t it? Changing just when we seem to get comfortable. I used to find it annoying. Disruptive. Chaotic, even. This year in particular has been challenging because I God put the phrase “choose joy” on my heart for 2020. In choosing that as my phrase for the year, I also felt a tug on my heart for the word “push.” With each day that passes I know why. I feel God pushing me, molding me, shoving me out of a space of comfort and forcing me into a space of challenge and growth.

A holding pattern. Holding what? Holding the line - unyielding to the pressure of a difficult or uncertain situation. Pushing onward, allowing the pressure to mold me, not of break me. Hold. Push. Wait.